The Buck and Mike Blog

Stephanie Nielson (nickname Nie Nie) writes a popular Mesa, AZ, based blog, Nie Nie Dialogues. Nie Nie and her husband, Christian, were involved in a serious small plane crash on August 16. The pilot, Doug Kinnerd, died in the crash, leaving a wife and four children. Nie Nie and Christian were lucky to survive but are not out of the woods yet. Even if all goes well they will be in the hospital for quite a while and recovering for many months. Their medical bills are astronomical. The couple has four small children, who are currently being cared for by Nie Nie’s older sister, Jane. Jane’s blog is the best source for updates on the family.

An outpouring of love and support for the family has resulted in a stunning group of auctions today, with more than 275 items—and many are truly amazing. Like a signed Maroon5 guitar and concert tickets, weekends at resorts, custom quilt, custom painting, a beautiful chandelier, jewelry, chocolate (!), and much more. Please support the family by bidding today. You can see the list and link to the auctions at http://www.designmom.com/.

Ongoing, please consider donating to help them by clicking below:

For Californians who have been in a coma lately, there will be a new proposition on the November ballot and it’s a biggie. This past spring the California Supreme Court ruled that restricting marriage to opposite-sex couples is unconstitutional. (Full text of the decision.)

Proposition 8 seeks to overturn the court ruling and amend the state constitution. It is a voter initiative designed specifically to take away legal rights that already exist. That’s huge.

Since California is the most populous state in the country, outside parties are bombarding the state with their non-California agendas. Most notably, a religious coalition calling itself Protect Marriage has vowed to get the proposal passed at any cost. The costs are staggering and, I’m sad to report, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) is in the forefront of the effort.

As a gay Mormon, I’m disappointed that the Church has chosen to spend its resources fighting a political issue. (I understand they consider it a moral issue, not a political one, but they also opposed civil rights equality, women’s rights, and placement of MX missiles in Utah as moral issues, yet capital punishment is a political issue, so I’m not buying the cafeteria approach to what is moral and what is political.) On the “urging” of the President of the Church, leaders of California congregations have told their members to donate money and canvas door-to-door for Proposition 8. Leaders are visiting with congregants in their homes to obtain pledges, usually based on what the leaders know about the family’s wealth by their tithing donation history.

Anyone who knows Mormons well knows that a call from the Prophet mobilizes the masses. There is no discussion of the issue, no pro and con, no opposition, and no alternative views are tolerated. There is no reason to study the issue, pray about it, and come to a personal conclusion because the decision is already made. Blind obedience is easy. Study and discussion are difficult, so most people take the easy path.

I continue being a gay Mormon, though I’m sad the Church has chosen this battle to disenfranchise millions of people. It is tearing families apart. Other families (like mine) simply cannot talk about it for fear more damage will be done. Some of the best and brightest Mormons are resigning their memberships. Others have just stopped attending because they can’t take the hateful rhetoric. Everyone knows at least one gay person, so the rhetoric is personal. These people also know that what they are hearing and asked to support is simply false and wrong. So they just leave.

There is also the matter of fear. Several people have told me that they are donating out of fear of religious repercussions but that in the safety of the ballot booth they will vote against Prop. 8. How sad is that? People feel safer in the ballot booth than they do in church.

The discussion is available to anyone who cares enough to listen. I recommend the following web sites, which are rich in resources:

Mormons for Marriage (http://mormonsformarriage.com). Thoughtful reasoning on many points from an LDS perspective, including videos and other resources.

Signing for Something (http://signingforsomething.org/blog). Besides offering good resources and personal stories, this site allows people to send a message that will go to LDS Church headquarters.

Understanding LDS Homosexuality (http://ldshomosexuality.com). Personal stories and videos designed to promote understanding between the LDS Church and its gay members.

Family Fellowship (ldsfamilyfellowship.org). This organization is composed of LDS families dealing with homosexual members.

Affirmation (www.affirmation.org/media/2008_07_27.shtml). Affirmation is the largest organization of gay people with Mormon backgrounds. This particular link is devoted to Affirmation’s views and efforts to address Prop. 8.

LDS Resources for LDS Saints Dealing With Homosexual Attraction (www.ldsresources.info). Excellent resources gathered and written by a group of active LDS therapists, scientists, and academicians.

LDS Reconciliation (www.ldsreconciliation.org).This organization is primarily for gay LDS people and their families to seek spiritual understanding and knowledge. It meets regularly in Utah and has Family Home Evening-style discussions.

LDS Church view: The Divine Institution of Marriage. A thorough justification for the Church’s participation in the California Prop. 8 effort. The Church’s web site, www.lds.org, has other statements about same-sex issues.

Shamefully, the Bureau of the Census has decided to “edit” the marital status of legally married same-sex couples in the 2010 census and list us as “unmarried partners.” It’s a step that denegrates the status of our relationships and our families by falsely denying their existence and is in contradiction to recommendations from Census Bureau staff themselves.

I know that the federal government does not recognize full marriage equality. But the world has changed. Equality in civil marriage is available to the entire U.S. population now because it is available in California to residents and non-residents alike (and soon in Massacusetts, which already extends it to its own residents). Not to mention the thousands of civil marriages performed in Canada, the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, South Africa, and Norway. New York, New Mexico, and Rhode Island now recognize all these marriages.

This is especially disturbing because government agencies as well as the private sector use census figures to determine the types of families that exist, where they live, and what their potential needs are. This should not be a Bush Administration-driven political decision.

I usually am skeptical of online petitions, as mass e-mailings are routinely ignored by members of Congress. However, People for the American Way are providing a petition that they will present directly to the Census Bureau. Their’s is a voice that will be heard.

Please sign the petition. Our families thank you.

A couple of weeks ago, Norway became the sixth country to sign on to marriage equality. (See chronology below.) Others will follow shortly, as one of the last barriers to civil rights equality continues to topple worldwide.
» Read the rest of this entry »

We have moved to Portland, Oregon! Well, at least I have. Mike is helping finish off some end-of-fiscal-year things at his employer and will join me in a couple of very long-seeming weeks. I spent several solitary and reflective days driving from Washington, DC, to Portland. My stops are numbered on the map. I learned things driving across the country for the first time. Warning: this is a long post. It may take you as long to read it as it took me to drive it. » Read the rest of this entry »

In a decision released today the California Supreme Court overturned the state’s ban on gay marriage, concluding that the Domestic Partnership currently offered to same-sex couples in the state is not a legitimate substitute for marriage equality. The court made clear that all couples, regardless of sexual orientation, have the right under the state’s constitution to join in family unions. Having a separate designation for gay people called “domestic partnership” makes gay people, in effect, second-class citizens, a violation of the equal protection clause of the state constitution. » Read the rest of this entry »

It is so easy to get tired in cyberspace. The results of our hard work are not obvious. Perfectionists like me take way too long to write something that can be read in 30 seconds and forgotten by all. We are all busy with our lives and wonder why anyone would be interested in what we have to say.

People do read and some people actually find it interesting. That’s because our personal blog, like those of others, is the place where the events, ideas, people, and stories important to us intersect to create a mix not found anywhere else. » Read the rest of this entry »

I haven’t blogged since December 26th. There’s certainly a lot to blog about but I just haven’t felt like it. I wish I were as good about blogging as Buckley’s daughter Liv, who blogs several times a day and always has fun new things to read.

Things I’ve missed writing about:

I haven’t written about Christmas in our house. (Buckley wrote about Hanukkah so it’s only fair I should have written about Christmas.) Liv, Scott and the kids were with Scott’s family for Christmas, and Buckley’s job had just been cut back, so our Christmas was very, very quiet. We did have one wonderful evening where we went to the home of a member of Buck’s church and sang Christmas carols with other church members. That was lots of fun and may have been the most Christmas-y we felt the whole season. Our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were quiet except for the hurried rustling of paper being peeled from packages.

President Hinckley of the LDS church passed away about two weeks ago. Even at 97, he was still quite vigorous and maintained a wonderfully wry sense of humor. He succumbed to cancer, and he will be missed. Even to a non-Mormon like me, Gordon B. Hinckley was inspiring and uplifting. Thomas S. Monson has been called to be the new president of the church. I’ve read nothing but good things about him so far, and Pres. Monson said he will carry on Pres. Hinckley’s forward-thinking ways, so I have high hopes.

On the mundane side of things, I have an upper respiratory virus. That’s what the doctor called it, mainly because I had gotten my flu shot so it shouldn’t be the flu. But I’ve read that there’s a nationwide outbreak of a strain of the flu that wasn’t included in the vaccine I got, so it’s possible I really do have the flu. As I told my dad earlier today, it feels like there’s a cinderblock on my chest. I’ll be glad when this is gone.

That’s it for now. I’ll try to do a better job of blogging. But I’ll never be as good as Liv — I’m just not that prolific.

Robert, our adorable 6-month-old grandson, was just fitted for a helmet to treat a mild case of positional plagiocephaly. Since the early 1990s, doctors have advised parents to place their babies on their backs to sleep to avoid SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). As a result, SIDS cases have declined 40% but positional plagiocephaly cases have increased by 600%. In plain terms, there are 6 times as many babies out there whose heads are slightly flattened in the back or on the side. The treatment is to wear a custom-made helmet for a few months so the skull resumes its regular shape.

Rob does not like his helmet or the fashion statement it makes. To show solidarity, we created a short video. Rob’s Helmet Video

Hang in there, Rob!

A writer for the Washington Post had a son with the same condition and and wrote an interesting story about it from a parent’s perspective.

At the end of October, I went to Australia to spend just shy of two weeks with my sister Ellen. Ellen’s been living in Australia (and mostly in Melbourne) for about 18 years now, maybe more.

I haven’t written about it before because it’s too big to write about! I was hoping to have a photo gallery up so that I could show everyone the photos I took during the trip, but that hasn’t worked out too well. For now, I’ll do a shortened post about the trip with a few photos thrown in. » Read the rest of this entry »

No matter how you spell it, tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. We dutifully came home and lit the first candle of the holiday. I had neglected to buy real Chanukah foods, so I prepared the weirdest and worst meal of our married life. (At least I hope it’s the worst.) » Read the rest of this entry »

Mike and I were speakers at the 2007 Affirmation International Conference, held here in Washington, DC, in early October. The conference theme was “A More Perfect Union.” For three days, nearly 200 gay and lesbian Mormons met to learn and gain strength from each other and guest speakers.

Some of those speakers included:

• Bishop V. Gene Robinson, Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire
• Carol Lynn Pearson, celebrated LDS author, poet, and playwright
• Jonathan Rauch, author of Gay Marriage: Why it is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America
• Harry Knox, Director of the Human Rights Campaign’s Religion and Faith Program
• Dan Furmansky, Executive Director of Equality Maryland
• Matt Foreman, Executive Director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

. . . and many others. We were honored and humbled to be asked to be the concluding speakers at the Sunday Devotional Service. Here is the text of our short speeches: » Read the rest of this entry »