The Buck and Mike Blog

I thought this was a balanced opinion piece, so I’m reprinting it here. The words and opinions are the author’s.

Pro-Liberty, Not Anti-Mormon

Joel Engardio

The lights of local TV cameras seeking gay-on-the-street sound-bites illuminated the darker part of Broadway on the Upper West Side where thousands of people marched the other night chanting, “Gay, straight, black, white, marriage is a civil right.”

I was one of them, upset and disillusioned that a right could be so easily eliminated for an entire group of people that included me. Sure, New York has never allowed same-sex marriage. But it was a right granted in California until a simple majority of voters decided that gay relationships weren’t equal to their own.

I joined up with the march in progress at West 66th Street, in front of Manhattan’s Mormon Temple. The spot was significant because California’s constitutional amendment was bankrolled largely by the Mormon Church, which urged its members nationwide to donate tens of millions of dollars to stop gay couples and their families from receiving the same legal recognition and protections everyone else enjoys.

“Two-four-six-eight, separate church and state,” the crowd shouted.

I couldn’t agree more. Working for the American Civil Liberties UnionI know this concept is what allows America to be America—we may not be each other’s cup of tea in our beliefs and actions, but somehow we have to find a way for a variety of kettles to peacefully share the stove. » Read the rest of this entry »

Joel Engardio, Mormon Church, American Civil Liberties Union

I’m delighted that Barack Obama won so decisively in Tuesday’s election. He won in every group except white people over 65. These senior citizens stuck with voting for their senior citizen, but not by an overwhelming majority. The election shows that America is finally growing up and willing to change the world by hard work and by example rather than by greed and force.

America still has a long way to go, however. The passage of Proposition 8 in California, to amend the state constitution to remove the right of same-sex couples to marry, shows that special interest groups can still buy their way. I’m saddened that people felt it was more important to spend $75 million dollars on the campaign than to use that money to feed a few hundred thousand people in Africa for a few months. The campaign was losing by 17 points before out-of-state religious groups became involved and the money started flowing in to purchase TV ad time. The ads used fear and lies about the effects on children, education, and religious institutions to sway voters. Pleas from the state Superintendent of Schools, the mayors of all the major cities, the Senators, virtually every newspaper, and hundreds of clergy were not sufficient to counteract the misinformation.

The irony that religious money went to break up stable and commited families and make their children illegitimate is heartbreaking. Just as with the rights of African Americans and the civil rights of women, religious institutions are the last to grow up. Our children and grandchildren will look back on this day and shake their heads with disbelief, just as we do at the “Whites Only” signs on water fountains and restaurants. The majority question then was, “They have their water fountains. What difference does it make if they are separate from ours?” The majority question in California today is, “They have pretty much all the rights of marriage. Why do then need to have real marriage?”

Last night someone said, “It’s just an election. My candidate lost and your proposition lost. It’s the same thing. Life goes on.” The wise answer was, “You didn’t lose any of your civil rights. My wife and I lost our family. Life can’t just go on.”

Our video friends share their thoughts on California’s Proposition 8. Please join them.

California’s Proposition 8 is spoken of in TV ads as if it were about “those people,” as if gay and lesbian people were fundamentally different from everyone else. The truth is, “those people” are me. So this entry is a personal explanation of what Proposition 8 means to me and my family.

My husband and I were legally married in Canada over four years ago. Our marriage is fully recognized by several countries and U.S. states, including California. The California State Constitution says that marriage is a fundamental civil right and courts have agreed that denying same-sex couples marriage equality violates the state’s constitution. Proposition 8 seeks to take that civil right away from us. It is the first time in the history of the state that the public has chosen to vote whether to take rights away from a group rather than to extend them.

I’m not here to argue the merits of the proposition, though I strongly oppose it. Rather I’d like to share the personal pain it has caused me and the resulting damage to my family and my church.

Because California law mandates open disclosure of all political contributions, it’s easy to see who has donated. A quick review shows that friends and relatives—including my previously-supportive brother—have donated a lot of money. It hurts me deeply to know that people I know and care about are donating money and voting to invalidate my marriage. They know my husband and I and know that we pay taxes, are good parents and grandparents, volunteer in our community, attend church, and uphold our family obligations. But my family members—who have never donated to any political cause, candidate, or party in their entire lives—are donating money in an effort to invalidate my marriage.

Why do my family members want to invalidate my marriage?

I’m not really sure. It certainly isn’t a personal vendetta. It is something they really believe in.

Do they think my marriage is a bad example of what a marriage should be, but Britney Spears’ 55-hour marriage, Pamela Anderson’s repeated marriages to an abusive husband, or Elizabeth Taylor’s eight marriages are examples of a sacred institution? I doubt it very much.

Do they not understand the difference between a civil marriage contract and a religious marriage rite? Possibly, but they are all very smart and thoughtful people.

Do they fear that my marriage somehow threatens the strength of their own marriages? Surely not.

Do they believe that I am incapable of caring as much for my husband and family as they do for their spouses and families? I don’t think so.

I think they donate because of strongly-help personal beliefs based on our shared Mormon heritage that, upon serious consideration, outweigh the needs of their family members or friends.

Of course it is also a big deal that the Mormon Church has pushed Proposition 8 so strongly. Many friends and family members who have never donated to a candidate, party, or proposition are donating thousands this time. Whether by pressure or not, they wouldn’t have become so involved otherwise.
» Read the rest of this entry »

Proposition 8, civil marriage, religious marriage

I thought it might be interesting to see what the press is saying about California’s Proposition 8, the voter initiative to change the state constitution to narrow the definition of marriage to exclude same-sex couples. Here are some samples (all but one from California):

Reneging on a Right

Intrusion into marriage should be evenhanded

Preserving California’s Constitution

Vote No on Proposition 8

Reject Proposition 8

No on Prop. 8

Proposition 8 would set a precedent for inequality

No on Prop. 8

Proposition 8

For Californians who have been in a coma lately, there will be a new proposition on the November ballot and it’s a biggie. This past spring the California Supreme Court ruled that restricting marriage to opposite-sex couples is unconstitutional. (Full text of the decision.)

Proposition 8 seeks to overturn the court ruling and amend the state constitution. It is a voter initiative designed specifically to take away legal rights that already exist. That’s huge.

Since California is the most populous state in the country, outside parties are bombarding the state with their non-California agendas. Most notably, a religious coalition calling itself Protect Marriage has vowed to get the proposal passed at any cost. The costs are staggering and, I’m sad to report, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) is in the forefront of the effort.

As a gay Mormon, I’m disappointed that the Church has chosen to spend its resources fighting a political issue. (I understand they consider it a moral issue, not a political one, but they also opposed civil rights equality, women’s rights, and placement of MX missiles in Utah as moral issues, yet capital punishment is a political issue, so I’m not buying the cafeteria approach to what is moral and what is political.) On the “urging” of the President of the Church, leaders of California congregations have told their members to donate money and canvas door-to-door for Proposition 8. Leaders are visiting with congregants in their homes to obtain pledges, usually based on what the leaders know about the family’s wealth by their tithing donation history.

Anyone who knows Mormons well knows that a call from the Prophet mobilizes the masses. There is no discussion of the issue, no pro and con, no opposition, and no alternative views are tolerated. There is no reason to study the issue, pray about it, and come to a personal conclusion because the decision is already made. Blind obedience is easy. Study and discussion are difficult, so most people take the easy path.

I continue being a gay Mormon, though I’m sad the Church has chosen this battle to disenfranchise millions of people. It is tearing families apart. Other families (like mine) simply cannot talk about it for fear more damage will be done. Some of the best and brightest Mormons are resigning their memberships. Others have just stopped attending because they can’t take the hateful rhetoric. Everyone knows at least one gay person, so the rhetoric is personal. These people also know that what they are hearing and asked to support is simply false and wrong. So they just leave.

There is also the matter of fear. Several people have told me that they are donating out of fear of religious repercussions but that in the safety of the ballot booth they will vote against Prop. 8. How sad is that? People feel safer in the ballot booth than they do in church.

The discussion is available to anyone who cares enough to listen. I recommend the following web sites, which are rich in resources:

Mormons for Marriage (http://mormonsformarriage.com). Thoughtful reasoning on many points from an LDS perspective, including videos and other resources.

Signing for Something (http://signingforsomething.org/blog). Besides offering good resources and personal stories, this site allows people to send a message that will go to LDS Church headquarters.

Understanding LDS Homosexuality (http://ldshomosexuality.com). Personal stories and videos designed to promote understanding between the LDS Church and its gay members.

Family Fellowship (ldsfamilyfellowship.org). This organization is composed of LDS families dealing with homosexual members.

Affirmation (www.affirmation.org/media/2008_07_27.shtml). Affirmation is the largest organization of gay people with Mormon backgrounds. This particular link is devoted to Affirmation’s views and efforts to address Prop. 8.

LDS Resources for LDS Saints Dealing With Homosexual Attraction (www.ldsresources.info). Excellent resources gathered and written by a group of active LDS therapists, scientists, and academicians.

LDS Reconciliation (www.ldsreconciliation.org).This organization is primarily for gay LDS people and their families to seek spiritual understanding and knowledge. It meets regularly in Utah and has Family Home Evening-style discussions.

LDS Church view: The Divine Institution of Marriage. A thorough justification for the Church’s participation in the California Prop. 8 effort. The Church’s web site, www.lds.org, has other statements about same-sex issues.

Proposition 8, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mormons, Mormons for Marriage, Signing for Something, Understanding LDS Homosexuality, Family Fellowship, Affirmation, LDS Resources for LDS Saints Dealing With Homosexual Attraction, LDS Reconciliation

Shamefully, the Bureau of the Census has decided to “edit” the marital status of legally married same-sex couples in the 2010 census and list us as “unmarried partners.” It’s a step that denegrates the status of our relationships and our families by falsely denying their existence and is in contradiction to recommendations from Census Bureau staff themselves.

I know that the federal government does not recognize full marriage equality. But the world has changed. Equality in civil marriage is available to the entire U.S. population now because it is available in California to residents and non-residents alike (and soon in Massacusetts, which already extends it to its own residents). Not to mention the thousands of civil marriages performed in Canada, the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, South Africa, and Norway. New York, New Mexico, and Rhode Island now recognize all these marriages.

This is especially disturbing because government agencies as well as the private sector use census figures to determine the types of families that exist, where they live, and what their potential needs are. This should not be a Bush Administration-driven political decision.

I usually am skeptical of online petitions, as mass e-mailings are routinely ignored by members of Congress. However, People for the American Way are providing a petition that they will present directly to the Census Bureau. Their’s is a voice that will be heard.

Please sign the petition. Our families thank you.

Census Bureau, Bureau of the Census, marriage equality, People for the American Way

A couple of weeks ago, Norway became the sixth country to sign on to marriage equality. (See chronology below.) Others will follow shortly, as one of the last barriers to civil rights equality continues to topple worldwide.
» Read the rest of this entry »

Norway, marriage equality, civil rights

Congratulations to all the couples who wait in line starting today to get marriage licenses in California. Waiting today will be easy, because some of you have waited decades for this day. You are part of history today. (I’m thinking especially of Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, who have waited more than 50 years for this day.)

And congratulations, Californians, for making it possible. California has broken the barriers of discrimination on many other occasions. The state was founded by a diverse mix of peoples seeking a better life. During its rocky history the many different groups of Californians have worked our their issues with each other and blazed the trail for others. As in the past, the rest of the country will follow your lead in the march to equality for all.

In a decision released today the California Supreme Court overturned the state’s ban on gay marriage, concluding that the Domestic Partnership currently offered to same-sex couples in the state is not a legitimate substitute for marriage equality. The court made clear that all couples, regardless of sexual orientation, have the right under the state’s constitution to join in family unions. Having a separate designation for gay people called “domestic partnership” makes gay people, in effect, second-class citizens, a violation of the equal protection clause of the state constitution. » Read the rest of this entry »

California Supreme Court, Domestic Partnership

No matter how you spell it, tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. We dutifully came home and lit the first candle of the holiday. I had neglected to buy real Chanukah foods, so I prepared the weirdest and worst meal of our married life. (At least I hope it’s the worst.) » Read the rest of this entry »

Chanukah

Mike and I were speakers at the 2007 Affirmation International Conference, held here in Washington, DC, in early October. The conference theme was “A More Perfect Union.” For three days, nearly 200 gay and lesbian Mormons met to learn and gain strength from each other and guest speakers.

Some of those speakers included:

• Bishop V. Gene Robinson, Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire
• Carol Lynn Pearson, celebrated LDS author, poet, and playwright
• Jonathan Rauch, author of Gay Marriage: Why it is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America
• Harry Knox, Director of the Human Rights Campaign’s Religion and Faith Program
• Dan Furmansky, Executive Director of Equality Maryland
• Matt Foreman, Executive Director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

. . . and many others. We were honored and humbled to be asked to be the concluding speakers at the Sunday Devotional Service. Here is the text of our short speeches: » Read the rest of this entry »

Affirmation, Gene Robinson, Carol Lynn Pearson, Jonathan Rauch, Harry Knox, Human Rights Campaign, Dan Furmansky, Equality Maryland, Matt Foreman, National Gay and Lesbian Task Force