The Buck and Mike Blog

I thought this was a balanced opinion piece, so I’m reprinting it here. The words and opinions are the author’s.

Pro-Liberty, Not Anti-Mormon

Joel Engardio

The lights of local TV cameras seeking gay-on-the-street sound-bites illuminated the darker part of Broadway on the Upper West Side where thousands of people marched the other night chanting, “Gay, straight, black, white, marriage is a civil right.”

I was one of them, upset and disillusioned that a right could be so easily eliminated for an entire group of people that included me. Sure, New York has never allowed same-sex marriage. But it was a right granted in California until a simple majority of voters decided that gay relationships weren’t equal to their own.

I joined up with the march in progress at West 66th Street, in front of Manhattan’s Mormon Temple. The spot was significant because California’s constitutional amendment was bankrolled largely by the Mormon Church, which urged its members nationwide to donate tens of millions of dollars to stop gay couples and their families from receiving the same legal recognition and protections everyone else enjoys.

“Two-four-six-eight, separate church and state,” the crowd shouted.

I couldn’t agree more. Working for the American Civil Liberties UnionI know this concept is what allows America to be America—we may not be each other’s cup of tea in our beliefs and actions, but somehow we have to find a way for a variety of kettles to peacefully share the stove. » Read the rest of this entry »

Joel Engardio, Mormon Church, American Civil Liberties Union

I’m delighted that Barack Obama won so decisively in Tuesday’s election. He won in every group except white people over 65. These senior citizens stuck with voting for their senior citizen, but not by an overwhelming majority. The election shows that America is finally growing up and willing to change the world by hard work and by example rather than by greed and force.

America still has a long way to go, however. The passage of Proposition 8 in California, to amend the state constitution to remove the right of same-sex couples to marry, shows that special interest groups can still buy their way. I’m saddened that people felt it was more important to spend $75 million dollars on the campaign than to use that money to feed a few hundred thousand people in Africa for a few months. The campaign was losing by 17 points before out-of-state religious groups became involved and the money started flowing in to purchase TV ad time. The ads used fear and lies about the effects on children, education, and religious institutions to sway voters. Pleas from the state Superintendent of Schools, the mayors of all the major cities, the Senators, virtually every newspaper, and hundreds of clergy were not sufficient to counteract the misinformation.

The irony that religious money went to break up stable and commited families and make their children illegitimate is heartbreaking. Just as with the rights of African Americans and the civil rights of women, religious institutions are the last to grow up. Our children and grandchildren will look back on this day and shake their heads with disbelief, just as we do at the “Whites Only” signs on water fountains and restaurants. The majority question then was, “They have their water fountains. What difference does it make if they are separate from ours?” The majority question in California today is, “They have pretty much all the rights of marriage. Why do then need to have real marriage?”

Last night someone said, “It’s just an election. My candidate lost and your proposition lost. It’s the same thing. Life goes on.” The wise answer was, “You didn’t lose any of your civil rights. My wife and I lost our family. Life can’t just go on.”

Our video friends share their thoughts on California’s Proposition 8. Please join them.

California’s Proposition 8 is spoken of in TV ads as if it were about “those people,” as if gay and lesbian people were fundamentally different from everyone else. The truth is, “those people” are me. So this entry is a personal explanation of what Proposition 8 means to me and my family.

My husband and I were legally married in Canada over four years ago. Our marriage is fully recognized by several countries and U.S. states, including California. The California State Constitution says that marriage is a fundamental civil right and courts have agreed that denying same-sex couples marriage equality violates the state’s constitution. Proposition 8 seeks to take that civil right away from us. It is the first time in the history of the state that the public has chosen to vote whether to take rights away from a group rather than to extend them.

I’m not here to argue the merits of the proposition, though I strongly oppose it. Rather I’d like to share the personal pain it has caused me and the resulting damage to my family and my church.

Because California law mandates open disclosure of all political contributions, it’s easy to see who has donated. A quick review shows that friends and relatives—including my previously-supportive brother—have donated a lot of money. It hurts me deeply to know that people I know and care about are donating money and voting to invalidate my marriage. They know my husband and I and know that we pay taxes, are good parents and grandparents, volunteer in our community, attend church, and uphold our family obligations. But my family members—who have never donated to any political cause, candidate, or party in their entire lives—are donating money in an effort to invalidate my marriage.

Why do my family members want to invalidate my marriage?

I’m not really sure. It certainly isn’t a personal vendetta. It is something they really believe in.

Do they think my marriage is a bad example of what a marriage should be, but Britney Spears’ 55-hour marriage, Pamela Anderson’s repeated marriages to an abusive husband, or Elizabeth Taylor’s eight marriages are examples of a sacred institution? I doubt it very much.

Do they not understand the difference between a civil marriage contract and a religious marriage rite? Possibly, but they are all very smart and thoughtful people.

Do they fear that my marriage somehow threatens the strength of their own marriages? Surely not.

Do they believe that I am incapable of caring as much for my husband and family as they do for their spouses and families? I don’t think so.

I think they donate because of strongly-help personal beliefs based on our shared Mormon heritage that, upon serious consideration, outweigh the needs of their family members or friends.

Of course it is also a big deal that the Mormon Church has pushed Proposition 8 so strongly. Many friends and family members who have never donated to a candidate, party, or proposition are donating thousands this time. Whether by pressure or not, they wouldn’t have become so involved otherwise.
» Read the rest of this entry »

Proposition 8, civil marriage, religious marriage

For Californians who have been in a coma lately, there will be a new proposition on the November ballot and it’s a biggie. This past spring the California Supreme Court ruled that restricting marriage to opposite-sex couples is unconstitutional. (Full text of the decision.)

Proposition 8 seeks to overturn the court ruling and amend the state constitution. It is a voter initiative designed specifically to take away legal rights that already exist. That’s huge.

Since California is the most populous state in the country, outside parties are bombarding the state with their non-California agendas. Most notably, a religious coalition calling itself Protect Marriage has vowed to get the proposal passed at any cost. The costs are staggering and, I’m sad to report, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) is in the forefront of the effort.

As a gay Mormon, I’m disappointed that the Church has chosen to spend its resources fighting a political issue. (I understand they consider it a moral issue, not a political one, but they also opposed civil rights equality, women’s rights, and placement of MX missiles in Utah as moral issues, yet capital punishment is a political issue, so I’m not buying the cafeteria approach to what is moral and what is political.) On the “urging” of the President of the Church, leaders of California congregations have told their members to donate money and canvas door-to-door for Proposition 8. Leaders are visiting with congregants in their homes to obtain pledges, usually based on what the leaders know about the family’s wealth by their tithing donation history.

Anyone who knows Mormons well knows that a call from the Prophet mobilizes the masses. There is no discussion of the issue, no pro and con, no opposition, and no alternative views are tolerated. There is no reason to study the issue, pray about it, and come to a personal conclusion because the decision is already made. Blind obedience is easy. Study and discussion are difficult, so most people take the easy path.

I continue being a gay Mormon, though I’m sad the Church has chosen this battle to disenfranchise millions of people. It is tearing families apart. Other families (like mine) simply cannot talk about it for fear more damage will be done. Some of the best and brightest Mormons are resigning their memberships. Others have just stopped attending because they can’t take the hateful rhetoric. Everyone knows at least one gay person, so the rhetoric is personal. These people also know that what they are hearing and asked to support is simply false and wrong. So they just leave.

There is also the matter of fear. Several people have told me that they are donating out of fear of religious repercussions but that in the safety of the ballot booth they will vote against Prop. 8. How sad is that? People feel safer in the ballot booth than they do in church.

The discussion is available to anyone who cares enough to listen. I recommend the following web sites, which are rich in resources:

Mormons for Marriage (http://mormonsformarriage.com). Thoughtful reasoning on many points from an LDS perspective, including videos and other resources.

Signing for Something (http://signingforsomething.org/blog). Besides offering good resources and personal stories, this site allows people to send a message that will go to LDS Church headquarters.

Understanding LDS Homosexuality (http://ldshomosexuality.com). Personal stories and videos designed to promote understanding between the LDS Church and its gay members.

Family Fellowship (ldsfamilyfellowship.org). This organization is composed of LDS families dealing with homosexual members.

Affirmation (www.affirmation.org/media/2008_07_27.shtml). Affirmation is the largest organization of gay people with Mormon backgrounds. This particular link is devoted to Affirmation’s views and efforts to address Prop. 8.

LDS Resources for LDS Saints Dealing With Homosexual Attraction (www.ldsresources.info). Excellent resources gathered and written by a group of active LDS therapists, scientists, and academicians.

LDS Reconciliation (www.ldsreconciliation.org).This organization is primarily for gay LDS people and their families to seek spiritual understanding and knowledge. It meets regularly in Utah and has Family Home Evening-style discussions.

LDS Church view: The Divine Institution of Marriage. A thorough justification for the Church’s participation in the California Prop. 8 effort. The Church’s web site, www.lds.org, has other statements about same-sex issues.

Proposition 8, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mormons, Mormons for Marriage, Signing for Something, Understanding LDS Homosexuality, Family Fellowship, Affirmation, LDS Resources for LDS Saints Dealing With Homosexual Attraction, LDS Reconciliation

Just as we approach the Easter season, I was sickened to read that three Mormon missionaries had been photographed vandalizing a Catholic shrine built specifically to remind pilgrims of the stations of the cross, the path Jesus is said to have walked on his way to his crucifixion. The Shrine of the Stations of the Cross is in the small town of San Luis, Colorado, east of the city where my Mother lives. We can say that three young men clowning around together could cross a line that none of them would have individually (mob rule), that they were young, or any number of excuses, but the fact remains that representatives of a religion with a history of being persecuted should know better and should be ashamed. Apparently, they are. At least one has written an apology, hand delivered to the Shrine’s congregation by the mission president. The missionary was still serving in Colorado and has been sent home in disgrace.

The event happened in 2006 and the two other missionaries have since completed their missionary work and have gone back to their homes (the three were from California, Idaho, and Nevada). Their local LDS Church congregations will convene disciplinary councils to determine what action should be taken against their church memberships. From the sounds of today’s Deseret News article, the LDS Church is urging severe punishment. The Church has turned their names over to the authorities for criminal charges. As ordained representatives of the church at the time, the three could now face excommunication.

As a Mormon missionary in Colombia in 1968 (see photo above) I had a contrasting experience. I wrote to Rev. Pat Valdez of the Shrine of the Stations of the Cross expressing my sorrow for their loss and sharing my own missionary story. (Click here for the text of that letter.) The stupid and immature actions of these three young men do not reflect the attitudes of the vast majority of Mormons. I like to think they would act as my companions and I acted 40 years ago. We worked hard to heal divides. I want to think that all our our efforts were not wasted.

» Read the rest of this entry »

Mormon missionaries, San Luis, Colorado, Shrine of the Stations of the Cross

Mike and I were speakers at the 2007 Affirmation International Conference, held here in Washington, DC, in early October. The conference theme was “A More Perfect Union.” For three days, nearly 200 gay and lesbian Mormons met to learn and gain strength from each other and guest speakers.

Some of those speakers included:

• Bishop V. Gene Robinson, Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire
• Carol Lynn Pearson, celebrated LDS author, poet, and playwright
• Jonathan Rauch, author of Gay Marriage: Why it is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America
• Harry Knox, Director of the Human Rights Campaign’s Religion and Faith Program
• Dan Furmansky, Executive Director of Equality Maryland
• Matt Foreman, Executive Director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

. . . and many others. We were honored and humbled to be asked to be the concluding speakers at the Sunday Devotional Service. Here is the text of our short speeches: » Read the rest of this entry »

Affirmation, Gene Robinson, Carol Lynn Pearson, Jonathan Rauch, Harry Knox, Human Rights Campaign, Dan Furmansky, Equality Maryland, Matt Foreman, National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

Yeah, yeah, I know, we haven’t blogged in forever, or at least for a month and a half. And right now I’m only throwing a bone or two. Don’t give up on us! We’ll be writing a lot more, and a lot more often.

First, our friend John Dehlin pointed us to this wonderful interview on KUER in Salt Lake City about a new film called “For the Bible Tells Me So.” The film was shown at the Sundance Film Festival last week. If you get a chance, listen to the KUER interview, and hang in there to the end, because there’s a call from Alicia in Sandy, Utah, talking about her family’s love for her lesbian sister, and the sister’s love for the rest of the family. Alicia’s words were so beautiful and loving that I got all choked up, and so hopeful for the world.

Second, I was reading a blog by Rachel Barenblatt called “The Velveteen Rabbi,” one of my favorite blogs. Rachel writes about a comic called “The G@d Interviews.” I wound up buying the online version of the book. It straddles a line between reverence and irreverence, allowing it to be loving and funny and insightful. Maybe not perfect, but it’ll give you something good to think about.

D. Fletcher is a cool dude. Ask him some questions, he’ll tell you no lies.

I saw this post online on J. Max Wilson’s Sixteen Small Stones blog, and thought the view was very interesting and compelling, even though Mr. Wilson seems to retreat from his position in a later comment. I’m quoting an excerpt below, and urge readers to view the full post. — Mike

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PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Both of you have mentioned the issue of compassion and this feeling about needing to be compassionate. Let’s fast-forward the scenario that we used earlier, and assume it’s a couple of years later. My conversations with my son, all our efforts to love our son and keep him in the Church have failed to address what he sees as the central issue — that he can’t help his feelings. He’s now told us that he’s moving out of the home. He plans to live with a gay friend. He’s adamant about it. What should be the proper response of a Latter-day Saint parent in that situation?

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This Web site and blog didn’t exist a year ago. The sole reason they came into being: Buckley told an ecclesiastical leader that he just wanted to be left alone to pray in peace. The ecclesiastical leader said no. For over five months, a simple plea to remain a private person was denied again and again. Once it was clear that our private lives would no longer be private, that our desire for privacy would not be honored, together we decided that, if someone else insisted on forcing our lives to be open to public scrutiny, at least we could have some say in the discussion. And so we began our Web site.

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